I have found myself in what has probably been the deepest state of mourning I have ever been in. And for me, that says a lot. I used to think that the day my my van was slammed into by a Jeep going 70 miles an hour, killing my daughter, was the darkest day I would ever encounter while I lived in this earth. Oh, how wrong I was.
You see, when my beautiful blue-eyed Brianna left this world, although there was deep sorrow, there were many things at work that were far beyond any human control. In moments like that you realize that you are not as “mighty” and as “in control” as you think you are.
That is far different than the battle that has raged over me of late. In 1994, I surrendered my life to Jesus. I promised Him forever…all of my heart, my energy, my life…all His. For the very first time since that day I have found myself questioning that decision. I know….horrible to admit isn’t it? Well, it’s the truth, and it’s real.
Jesus tells us if they hated Him, they will hate you. If they lied about Him, they will lie about you. If they accused Him, they will accuse you. If they hated Him, they will hate you. If they betrayed Him, they will betray you. Which is all fine and dandy, until it all happens at once. All the hate, the lies, the accusation, the betrayal…all of sudden I find myself confronted with the question, “Will you too leave Me?” I thought what a crazy question Jesus! Will I leave you? I’m apparently suffering because I am on Your side! Why on earth would you ask ME if I’m leaving You too??? His reply floors me….
“Annette, those who lied about you, left Me to lie. Those who betrayed you, left Me to betray you. The ones pointing a finger in scorn at you, they left Me so that they could point. Are you now going to respond the way your soul wants to? If you do, you will be leaving Me, just as they have. I love them. I love you. Please, I’m asking you, as I asked them, don’t leave.”
Tears. Sorrow. Sadness. Can I leave my Beloved? Is it possible….for one moment of satisfying my own soul? It’s the darkest place I have ever been because I could not answer quickly. I have endured too much pain. My heart is so broken that I had to weigh my response. What has happened to my heart?
I don’t want to leave You, but my pain causes me to count the cost…..rush in with Your love and mercy once again. Create in me a pure heart. Work in the will and pleasure of Your heart once again. Please don’t loosen Your grip on me.